Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
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DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW