[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
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Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Hot hot hot 🥵
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata