Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
You Might Also Like
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.