He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
You Might Also Like
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?