What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
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So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others