How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
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It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.