I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
You Might Also Like
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
doing your own taxes
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…