“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
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Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Just grow your own
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
😂😂😂
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
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