When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
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I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
*eats only grass-fed donuts
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Name another movie that mislead you?
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite