Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
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Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Always a metermaid never a meter
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?