Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
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I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
I hope it’s French Onion!
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones