Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
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A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.