The more things change, the more they stay the same.
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GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
True.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.