[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
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Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.