Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
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babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.