I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
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Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!