*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
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I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Banana is the quietest snack
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.