I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
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Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.