My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
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What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
I mean…but I did
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever