In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
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Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck