Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
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Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?