i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
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Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
TEETH IS INNOCENT
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.