Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
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I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.