No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
You Might Also Like
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit