If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
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Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Interior design 👌
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.