[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
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Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.