When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
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I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them