Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
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hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.