GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
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Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”