Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
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My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁