[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
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If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
The human personality is made of five key elements
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
*launders Kohls cash*
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint