Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
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I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.