me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
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The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Sooo many times…..
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit