I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
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We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs