Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
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This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Happy Febuary everyone!
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what