If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
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The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
when you order from DoorDastardly
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.