It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
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At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.