Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
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Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.