My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
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You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
not seeing the problem
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.