Every work call, he judges.
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diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.