There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
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Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.