911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
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[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.