[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
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Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
📽️movie date🎞️
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?