Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
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*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Did a trash talking tree write this?
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”