Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
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I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.