Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
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My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
They also CAN sing✌️
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.