In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
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The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH