Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
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What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
I came this close!!!!
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.