Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
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I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
I enjoy a good short stor
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.