my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
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*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.